I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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