whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
