I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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