So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Boobs speak an international language.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
