I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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