So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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