i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Randomize
