I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
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