what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize