Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize