i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
