Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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