Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
