im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
