I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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