i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
