I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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