I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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