once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
