Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
