That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
