im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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