I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
