This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
