I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
