She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I party with great urgency now.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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