I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i love accidental penises.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
