Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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