im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
