THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
