If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
