So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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