did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
