i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
