i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
