The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
