I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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