I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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