I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
