I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
