u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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