My liver just broke up with me...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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