its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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