He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I looked at my own cervix.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize