just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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