Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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