i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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