I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
