If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
