my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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