I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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