just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
