a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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