Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
