I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
