I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
