burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
