She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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