Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
