She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Im part way to drunk.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
