i already hear my dad disowning me
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
