Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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