I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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